I am grieving a death

Grief or bereavement is the experience of loss. For many, grief is associated with the death of an important person or a pet. However, grief can be experienced after any important loss that affects their life. For example, the loss relationship, a job, or the loss of hope for what they thought life would look like.  Grief can also be experienced after a diagnosis of an illness or other health problem.

People experience grief in many ways and the experience may change as a person moves through the grieving process. People may feel sad, angry, scared, or anxious. Some have a hard time feeling emotions at all or expressing them in a productive way. Other times, people may even feel relief or peace after a loss. There is no right or wrong way to feel grief. It is a very personal experience. Many people find that the intensity or type of emotion associated with their grief changes over time. As well, holidays can often bring up strong feelings and reminders of people and experiences that have been lost.

People work through grief in their own time and in their own way. However, for some people the feelings of loss become debilitating and do not improve with time. In these cases, grief becomes known as “complicated grief” or persistent complex bereavement disorder. In these cases, the emotions become so painful, intense, and long lasting that a person has trouble moving through the grieving process and resuming their own life.

The “five stages of loss and grief” were first introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. They were identified as:

1. Denial and isolation—a defense recognition to help us with the shock and the pain.
2. Anger—an emotion that may be directed at anyone or anything.
3. Bargaining—this is when we feel out of control and attempting to regain control we start asking if we could or should have done something differently.
4. Depression—a time when sadness, worries, regrets, and loneliness may be front and centre.
5. Acceptance—the time when we accept the permanent reality and try to find ways to continue living.

Despite the “stages of grief” being well known, not everyone will go through every stage and the order is not sequential. Grief is usually strongest in the beginning and the shock of loss can be great that it takes time for the reality to sink in but everyone will experience loss differently.

What is important to know is that the grieving process takes time. This time allows us to mourn our loss while we learn to live life without our loved one. It can be a difficult and sometimes lonely; but everyone has their own experience, and it is important for each of us to be kind and gentle with ourselves.

During the first few months after a loss, symptoms of grief may appear both emotionally and physically. Emotionally we may feel sad, angry, numb, or even relief.  Physically, we may also experience sleep disorders, loss of appetite, or headaches. It is normal for many emotions or physical feelings to come and go. It is normal to have good days and bad days. As well, symptoms will vary from person to person.

The symptoms of grief, usually, will lessen with time. However, in some cases they do not, and “normal grief” becomes what is known as “complicated grief”. With complicated grief, symptoms will linger and get worse. Complicated grief is like being in a constant, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from moving forward in your life.

Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include:

• Intense sorrow, pain, and rumination over the loss of your loved one
• Focussing on little else but your loved one’s death
• Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased
• Numbness or detachment
• Bitterness about your loss
• Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
• Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one

Complicated grief also may be indicated if you continue to:

• Have trouble carrying out normal routines
• Isolate from others and withdraw from social activities
• Experience depression, deep sadness, guilt, or self-blame
• Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death
• Feel life isn’t worth living without your loved one
• Wish you had died along with your loved one

When to see a doctor

Contact a doctor or a mental health professional if you have intense grief and problems functioning that don’t improve at least one year after the passing of your loved one.

If you have thoughts of suicide

At times, people with complicated grief may consider suicide. If you’re thinking about suicide, talk to someone you trust. If you think you may act on suicidal feelings, call 911 or your local emergency number right away.

• Know this is a normal part of life. Living and loving someone or something means you will feel grief at some point.
• Share your feelings. Sometimes, talking about your feelings with friends, family or members of a grief support group or a therapist can help. You can also participate in online chat groups if you are concerned about how people might interpret your feelings.
• Express your sorrow. It’s important to find ways to express your sadness. This will look different for everyone. You may want to sit in your favourite chair and cry. Maybe you will visit the grave and cry or talk to your loved one. Maybe you will need time to journal or mediate while the sun rises. Whatever way you express your feelings try to find a way that is helpful to you and not harmful to your wellbeing.
• Find creative ways to remember. Find ways that help you to remember and honour the person who died. Write a letter to the person. Look at photos or display some in a special spot with flowers or ask others to share their favourite memories while you celebrate your loved one.